A Bland: Victory Cactus Band Interview

16 Jan

By Wade Rockett (writing as “Alec Hidell”)
SCOPE Magazine, April 1995

(Note: the following was written for the 1995 April Fools’ issue of SCOPE magazine as a parody of the magazine’s regular “A Band” feature. In-jokes abound.)

Victory Cactus has been rockin’ Las Vegas for over two weeks now and shows no sign of stopping. The band consists of Tawnie Satine on lead vocals, Mark Lamb on guitar, Jennifer Chorizo on bass, and Jeff Funk on drums. I caught up with them at their Downtown digs for a brief chat.

Okay, let’s get this first question out of the way. How many of you are strippers?

All: Me.

JF: And I’m a vampire.

How very nice for you. Now, how would you describe your music to those unfamiliar with the band?

T: We really don’t like to be labeled. I think of it as haircut band-era British synthfunk with ska overtones.

M: We play a mix of stripped-down electropop and guitar-heavy jazz-punk

JC: A jangly, Byrds-influenced fusion of reggae, blues, and metal.

JF: Skiffle.

Where did your name come from?

T: It’s from our philosophy that you should love and respect the Earth and all the creatures in it, regardless of creed, color, sexual orientation, or species.

And you got “Victory Cactus” from that?

T: Victory Cactus? Oh, wait. I was thinking of another band I was in.

JC: We were just really, really drunk one night, and when we woke up the next morning, Jeff had a piece of paper with “Victory Cactus” written on it stapled to his head.

JF: It hurt.

M: Where did you get your name?

Pardon?

M: I noticed that you wrote “By Alec Hidell” on your notepad. That’s not your real name.

Oh! Well, funny you should mention that. “Alec Hidell” is one of the aliases used by Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. It’s a little cultural reference that most people would miss, I’m sure. Anyway, does the band have any pet peeves?

M: Journalists who use band interviews to make themselves look clever.

Ahem. Yes. Are any of you currently playing in other bands?

T: Just a few. I also play bass in Bloody Dog and Mystery Envelope, drums in Satan’s Sultans, and sitar in The Dean Martin Intestinal Purge.

M: I play zither in Time for Pie, jaw harp in Really Weak Sphincter, and I moan incomprehensibly for Tie Me Kangaroo Down.

JC: I play harpsichord for Philco Waveater; Flemish harp, Appalachian mountain dulcimer, and frattoir for Cromwell and the Roundheads; and I play kokoriko, vibra-slap, flexatone, and udu drum in Tooling for Ovaltine.

JF: I’m in Subterfüge.

Subterfüge broke up years ago.

JF: If they were together I would be.

Where are you going to play next?

T: We’re not.

You’re not?

JC: We broke up about an hour before you got here.

T: But Mark and Jennifer and I formed a new band just before you walked in. It’s called Touch My Monkey, and we’ll be playing at the Huntridge on April 12.

JF: I’m going solo. And my name’s not “Jeff” anymore, so don’t call me “Jeff.” Call me “Prince.” No, wait, call me “Ringo.”

Staci, Hairstylist for the Hip: Hi guys, sorry I’m late.

Staci, what are you doing here?

Staci: Read the fine print. According to the SCOPE bylaws, I have to appear at least once in every issue. So I’m taking this interview over, writer boy!

But. . .but. . .

Staci: Okay, who wants to go to Taco Cabana for margaritas?

All: Me!

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